It feels weird and uncomfortable
to be in the room we used to share,
so many memories
that now are my enemies…

I was reading my nephew
his bed time story,
laying in corner
that used to be yours
and every once in a while
I can see you there,
with your laptop
and another arm holding me.

I feel so dead inside.




me and my friend has planned
to make caramel fudge together
since forever,
but it seems so hard
to get our schedule in sync
until yesterday!

We made caramel fudge, chocolate fudge
and caramel sauce,
and here’s baby Joy trying to help…


Cute or what? 🙂


ah well…

Had such a great time
at office gathering
and went to my friend’s cafe
before heading home.

That guy (youknowho)
suddenly came to the cafe too
and it was awkward.
I left early before it’s getting
even more weird.
Can’t handle being in the same room
for too long just yet.

Went to one my my student’s bday party,
it was fun…
Her mom is my good friend and mentor…
It was a beautiful day.

Met his father
and we had a nice talk.
You know how when you love someone,
you’ll learn to love his family too?
They come in a package.
I love his father
and I told him I was so worried about him,
why didn’t he tell me about him being in hospital…
I told him I miss him too,
it’s been too long since the last time we talk.
Suddenly his son (youknowho) appear and says,
“She’s been worrying about you and she’s been amazing…
She gave me loads of good advice…”
I don’t remember giving him advice,
to be honest,
so we had this old formality of,
“Oh no, actually it’s him with the best advice…
He’s been so great..”
The things you need to do when you broke up
just so you look like you can handle it like grown ups.

I wonder If his father could read my eyes
and see how much I miss his son…
And if his son could see it too,
cos when nobody notice us he says,
“Thank you for the prayers…”,
I was like,
“How did you know that I pray for you?”
And he says,
“I do…”
I wonder if he knows
I still cry cos I miss his so much.

This morning,
found emails from his dad.
the songs he think I might like.
That cute old man, I tell ya.. 🙂

Like I said before,
I’m never really a good example.
Never really that girl you should look up to.
Don’t look up to me, kay…
Be stronger than me.

that’s it.

Oh God…,


These few days has been quite a ride for me,
emotional ride, that is…

I think seeing him in person
and my maid quits
and my parents left
really make me feel tired and vulnerable…

I’m sure God noticed,
and He sent people at the right time
before I explode…
My friend came from Malang
and will stay for a month in here…

And blogger friends such as Teph and Echy
has been so helpful
and I feel less alone…

I am blessed even when I feel like I’m not.

signing off…tumblr_mehs92CajM1rvkn9do1_400

I really do…

Close the door,
close the windows too,
I don’t want to let any crack
for you to come and sink your shadow in…

I’ve been losing myself for so long
over love that’s eating me from the inside
and tear me apart…
Now there’s bizarre gap
making hollow sound
like a weeping owl…
How pathetic,
this is embarrassing…

I’ve been listening to bad songs
cos the good ones remind me of you…
And I don’t want to…

You’re flying,
I’m crawling…
You’re blushing like roses in spring,
while I’m black and bruise all the way,
I’d laugh at this comparison if I could,
I’d love to…


set me free, let me leave.

I don’t even need to close my eyes
to remember the taste of your lips,
the rush of sudden hurricane,
the blow of cold wind
that shrunk my heart.
Back then it feels so beautiful,
back then I know that if I die,
I’d die happy…

I still remember how it feels
when I lightly brush your curly hair,
how my fingers sink deep and disappear,
and you’ll smile and close your beautiful
sunset eyes,
bright like crimson sky…

Oh what I wouldn’t do for you?
I’d run thru the meadow
and wait til dark
just to catch the brightest star for you,
if you want me to…
If you ask me to…

My once true king,
my sole sovereign,
standing above the ruined of my citadel
before you left after kissing me goodbye,
leaving memories behind.

Yet, still I miss you so…


Things I like about you

How you thought I crossed the red light and went, “Mamo, it’s a red light! Why are you crossing red light??”

How you smile.

How I ask you to drink and you raise your glass and said, “Let’s cheers..”

How you willingly help a lonely baby to play with you at the play ground.

How you remain cheerful when nobody play with you.

How smart and wise you are.

How, when I look concern about your health and you say, “Don’t worry, Mamo…”

How you’re not tall enough to wrap your arm around my waist so you wrap it around my butt.

How you sing about everything.

How understanding you are.

How you out others before you.

How it’s so easy to love you/

Four years old and counting, baby…
I am the luckiest aunt in da hood.