So there I was (and still am)
disconnecting myself from people around me.
I need some space to breath,
away from anything related to him.
It’s been that way since Thursday
and it’s been fun.
I thought it would be hard for me
without my smart phone
but apparently subconsciously
I substitute the time on the phone
with reading, which is good.
last Sunday I didn’t go to church,
my friend visiting me at my home.
We hang til 9pm
and we decided to go for dinner near my house.
She knows about my phone
and I jokingly told her,
“We better not meeting that guy in here.
Amen. Say Amen.”,
and she did.
Well universe must really enjoy
making a fool out of me
cos there he was, with my friend KT.
I lost my appetite to eat,
however I still go to their table
out of courtesy,
I kinda owe KT some explanation.
So there I was,
hugging KT hello
and KT starting to,
“Where have you been?
I call and call, text you
and left you wall on your facebook,
I was so worried..”
“I’m fine tho…”, I told her smiling.
Telling her I’m disconnecting with everything
related to him, including her
might hurt her.
I ignore him entirely
until I’m about to go back to the cashier
to make my order as a take out.
I said a short hello
and he told me he need to talk to me.
“No, not now…”, I said.
“Please, I really need to talk to you.”
I take my orders,
pay for everything
and go back to KT’s table to say goodbye.
As I walk away with friend,
he follow me and keep saying
he need to talk to me.
“No, not now, I need to go home…”, I said.
“It won’t take long. I have something for you.”
We were standing among these people sitting,
we’re at Angkringan.
I stop walking,
my friend standing awkwardly.
He’s standing in front of me.
“Please, not now….”, I told him
and the next thing I know he’s on his knees.
I went panic.
“What are you doing?”
“No, I’m going to beg on my knees
until you say yes.” and he smile.
I am so embarrassed
(yet touched, like seriously, who am I kidding?)
and I pull him up.
I think there’s too much awkwardness happening
that my friend decided to sit with KT.
“Can I get a hug?”, he asked.
“Okay. I tried to call you, texted you.
I thought you were in Singapore.
I wrote you five pages letter
that I really need to read to you.
I’m sorry for what I’ve done,
I’ve been childish and selfish.
That day at the bus terminal. That’s not me,
and whatever I did to you,
it’s wrong and God have nothing to do with it.
In fact He’s upset at me about it.”
“Yes. And I’ve been away from Him. I’m upset at Him.”
“Sometimes I really want to punch Him in the face.”
I laugh, “Me too.”
“Things has been crazy.
I have not sleep in days,
and when I did, it’s at the office.
So many things I need to tell you,
I skipped my work to write you this,
I forgot about my appointment with the notary.
So please let me read it for you.
Tonight maybe? Can I drive you home?”
“No, not tonight… I really need some space.
I need to breath…”
“Okay… You know, people are jealous of
what we’ve done…”
“I’m jealous of what we’ve done..”
“Haha.. Me too.. Star gazing..”
“Sleeping in the car, swimming at the beach
“Remember what I promised you on your birthday?”,
“The second gift. I promise you that. Remember?”
“And what was that?”
And there it was,
on his hand,
a small Shrek,
hands on the waist,
grinning at me.
he grin at me too
as I was standing in awe
and squeal softly…,
“And a mixtape. I promised you a mixtape”,
he gave me a CD.
In my heart I was thinking
why would he wait for this long to be this sweet.
“You know what happened at church today?”, he asked.
“There’s this song I put on mixtape. They sang it at church,
and for the first time ever, I cry at church.
I never did before.”
I don’t know what got into me.
I lean forward and hug him.
And I can feel he lay his head
on my shoulder
and hold me tight.
It was like that for a while.
it seems kinda awkward to hugs among
I can smell his perfume
and if I can tell the truth,
I don’t want to let go.
But I did.
It’s hard to stand on the tip of your toe
for too long.
He gave me the Shrek.
“There’s green marks on the Shrek,
I tried to wipe it but the oil smells bad,
so I put some perfume on it,
but it still smell bad. Smell it..”
“I told you right?”,
and he laugh as I smile.
“Have you been eating lately?
Have you been sick?
Have you been crying? Cos you look like it…”
“I ate and I’ll be fine..”
“Why you never want to share you problem with me?”
“Cos if I did, it’ll just lead to another fight..”
“Not anymore. I promise you this.
I’ll make it up to you..
Do you know I go to your facebook
and listen to all the song you posted?
Even the french songs and I search for the lyrics.
That song about we don’t care about us.
I do, I do care about us…”
“Anw, why are you even here?
You’re not supposed to be here.
You’re never here.”
“I know right… I don’t know…
I’m just here to have a talk with KT..”
“So can I read you my letter?”
“No, not now.”
“Don’t give me deadline…
I really need to take a break…”
“But I can’t sleep until I read it to you…”
“You will, eventually… Hey, listen,
I really need to go now okay…
“Okay, but remember,
in any circumstances,
if you ever feel sad,
Shrek is smiling at you.
Look at his ogre face…”
“Now give me a hug..”
I’m aiming for his waist.
Easier than the shoulder.
As I was about to leave,
he asked my friend to make sure
I eat something and take care of me.
“Oatmeal. She loves oatmeal…”, he said to her.
And she just nodded with confusion.
Back in the car,
I feel do dazed and I asked my friend,
“What just happened?
I don’t think your ‘amen’ was sincere…”
And we just laugh about it.
It’s just crazy.
I’m not sure how to feel right now,
but I really need to write this down
I bring Shrek with me to the office today.
It still smells bad,
not that bad…
I left the mixtape at home.
I’ll listen to it,