Among this crowd,
these strangers
and the 10 step between us,
I realised I deserve better.

Never once I smile for loneliness,
but tonight I did.
I smile for it.
I’d even drink for it..

Among this crowd,
this flying smoke
and the strong smell of burning gasoline
coming from this ol’ big motorcycle,
I know I deserve better.

He drove me home
and I did not lean for a hug.

What for?
Part of me can’t wait
to run to my home,
while the other part,
I don’t know,
I hate her so much
I don’t even bother to observe what she feels..

…

He texted me before 5pm,
asking me for early dinner.
I said “no”,
I want to go to pasar malam tonight.

He said,
let’s go,
after dinner…

Well,
I’m the worst
in declining an invitation to see him.

So there I was,
at home,
heating up roasted chicken,
cook some eggs
and mac ‘n cheese.

Have I told you I’m on
my period?
Rite,
you need to know
to understand the story further.

He came.
He slouch on the couch,
while I was there,
preparing the dinner.

“Hey, can you help me with the dishes?
There’s dead spider there,
I can’t wash them dishes with the spider there…”,
I said.

“Later after dinner…”,
he said.

Sure,
that’s good…

He was smoking,
watching tv,
and laugh…
I think it’s Arthur the movie.
Good movie,
it’s funny.

“I need a drink…”,
he said…

“Go take yourself please…”

“Hey can you help me with this bread?”,
I tried to clip the bread
with that thing that always came with
roti tawar from Bread Talk, you know?
I can’t,
it needed more strength,
so I put the bread and the clip
on the table.

I found he just wrapped the bread
lazily without clipping it
and when I asked why is he putting
it that way?
He said,
“You didn’t gave me the clip.
You need to be more specific next time.”

If murder is not a sin.

Dinner’s ready.
He started to pray for us
but I want to pray by myself.
So I fix my position in the chair,
open my eyes wide open
and he stop his prayer for a while,
waiting for me.
Ugh.
So I close my eyes,
secretly praying for my own food,
trying hard not to listen to his prayer.

After dinner,
he gave me reasons on why
we shouldn’t go to pasar malam.
It was raining this afternoon,
you’re on your period,
it looks painful,
and this
and this
and this.

I said,
it’s okay,
I can go next time.

I still wanted to go.

My stomach hurt so bad,
he knows.

“Hey, can you make me a tea?”,
he asked.

“Only if we’re going to pasar malam…”,
I said.

“Oookaay….”

So I make him a cup of tea.

“But you should rest with your period like that”,
he said.

“No, I want to have fun.”

“Okay sure…”

We were about to leave when he said,

“We’re driving with two cars kay?
So if it’s close,
I can just go back home…”

Wtf?

It’s not like my house is that far
from the pasar malam.

I put my bag down in the sofa.

“You know what?
It’s okay?
We don’t have to go.
You can just go home..”

I think he kinda feel bad,
or remember those days
when I will drive him around for dinner
and drive him home at 1 AM.

“Okay, let’s drive one car,
I can drive you home.”

So we go.

He can’t stop yawning at pasar malam,
tells me how sleepy he was.

“Let’s just go home”,
I said,
“…if you are sleepy.”

He said “no”,
we’re already here anw..

I want to ride that dragon boat
that swing from left to right,
it looks fun…

I asked him if he wants to go.
He said “no”.
Okay, fine.
In my heart
I was thinking
how he’s such a party pooper
and I am so coming again with my friend.

He said,
if you want to ride it
then go.

I said,
nah,
never mind,
I don’t have a friend to ride it.

He said,
why do you have to be forceful?

I said,
what? I’m sorry?
What did you say?
*cos I don’t remember forcing anyone
to ride the boat with me*

He said,
why don’t you ride it alone?

I said,
cos it’s weird
and I told you it’s okay,
I can always come again.

Then there’s this awkward silence
and obvious space between us.

I don’t want to stand to close to him,
and neither does he.

So we waited for the ultimate show
I want to see.
Tong Setan.
Oh yes.

So we’re back to the top.
Remember?

Among this crowd,
these strangers
and the 10 step between us,
I realised I deserve better.

Never once I smile for loneliness,
but tonight i did. I smile for it.
I’d even drink for it..

Among this crowd,
this flying smoke
and the strong smell of burning gasoline
coming from this ol’ big motorcycle in Tong Setan,
I know I deserve better.

He drove me home
and I did not lean for a hug.

What for?
Part of me can’t wait
to run to my home,
while the other part,
I don’t know,
I hate her so much
I don’t even bother to observe what she feels..

…

How did I end up
loving someone like this,
I’m not sure.

Thought a girl deserve to be pampered
during her period
and all sane men knows…
Do they?
Or am I expecting too much?

I was longing for someone
who will strokes my tummy
and ask me if I want a cup of tea
instead of asking me to make him one…
I still am.

It’s kind of fcked up isn’t it?
After all these,
yet I’m still hanging with him.
Don’t you just hate me?
I swear to God,
I hate me.

Maybe this is how it feels
with those people in abusive relationship.
In agony,
yet too much of a coward to leave.

He is killing me slowly
and I let him.
You are the worst, Lil.
You are the worst.
*and puke*

-LeLittle-